The West Weber Woman Cooks

So there's this cookbook out there called, "The Pioneer Woman Cooks" and it's totally all the rage. It's chock full of luscious, yummy comfort food made with real butter (lots and lots of it), real sugar, and real cream--you know, the good stuff. The stuff that dreams are made of.

The photos in the book are amazing. From her ranch in Oklahoma, she's made a living out of writing the story of her life; the people, the scenery, and the food. Of course, the food! After buying both her cookbooks, I decided I was going to make meals that would bring my family to tears. Food that would leave them full and satisfied yet begging for more. Food that would attract the neighbors. Food that could cause the stars to shoot.You get what I mean--GOOD food.

So, I started with beef stew. It was delicious. Made with butter (of course), beef, the predictable stew veggies and a bottle of beer, this stew made me sing like an angel! It was nothings short of Divine. "I'm really going to do well with this book," I thought to myself. "I'm going to cause some serious finger-licking with food like this."

And so I decided to try the Thai Chicken Pizza. You know, because Thai Chicken Pizza is like totally the bomb (or so says Pioneer Woman). I start by mixing up the dough. Yes, I said MIXING THE DOUGH. I was a dough mixing virgin prior to Thai Chicken Pizza. That's right, this recipe de-flowered me. I have now officially made dough!

While the dough was rising, I grilled some luscious chicken breasts until they were true perfection. Resting on the plate in the kitchen, I admired the grill marks. "I've totally go this," I say to myself. "Totally."

And that's when I began making the sauce. The stupid sauce. First, I start by adding the fresh garlic to the blender (Pioneer Woman uses a food processor. I don't have a food processor. So, I think to myself, "It's probably because Pioneer Woman doesn't own a blender. I have a blender. That's the better option than some stinking food processor. Food processors are for wimps," and I went about my blending business.), then I add the minced fresh garlic, followed by fish sauce, sesame oil, soy sauce, and water. Everything was going fantastic. You know, as fantastic as newlyweds on a honeymoon.

The Blender...After the 1st Counter Smacking...

And that's when I added the peanut butter to the stupid sauce. Stupid peanut butter. I add the peanut butter, and turn on the blender. The blender begins with a sputter...sputters some more...and even more. I shut off the blender. Examine it, smack once on the counter, and turn the sucker on again. Sputter...sputter. I stick the metal spoon into my mixture and hit the blade. Nothing. It's still sputtering.

And that's when the smoke started! That's right, people, smoke! I shut it off. I give it another good thump on the counter. I think to myself, "I bet Pioneer Woman doesn't have to whack her stupid food processor every time SHE wants to make Thai Chicken Pizza. She's a ninny, I've got this...I've totally got this." I turn it on again--more smoke--and now, it's making a griding noise. Not the kind of griding noise that indicates the machine is on the verge of kicking it in high gear...nope, not that kind...more the kind of noise that makes everyone run for cover and scream, "She's gonna blow!"

The Stupid Sauce--Vertical View

Then with one big (and I mean BIG) POOF the blender shut off. That's right--I fried the blender with Thai Chicken Pizza sauce and I still don't even have the sauce made. The dough is in the fridge, covered with plastic wrap and longing for Thai Chicken Pizza Sauce. But, I've got news...this West Weber Woman isn't cooking Thai Chicken Pizza today or tomorrow. In fact, I may never cook Thai Chicken Pizza. What was I thinking, anyway? I'm from West Weber, not Thailand!
And so it begins, the quest to use pizza dough for something other than Thai Chicken Pizza. Pioneer Woman has a recipe for Steakhouse Pizza. Maybe I'll try that. I sure hope I don't have to thump any more kitchen gadgets on the counter. The counter's looking like it's ready to hang out the white flag.

Yup, I'm moving on...Steakhouse Pizza tomorrow night. For now, though, I'm off to spray some more Freeze--the blender smoke smell in this house is enough to kill us all! Stupid sauce...